I was absolutely disgusted with myself. I had finally taken a minute to pause and reflect, and what I saw in that reflection was excruciating. Life had become what I never wanted it to be: a checklist.
Every day, I woke up and ran through the list in my mind. Classes, meetings, lunch dates, office hours, evening activities, lesson planning, dinner dates, sleep. Repeat. Every day, something new to add to the list, something overwhelming to do, and all under the guise of serving. “I can manage. I’m fine,” I said to console myself. I wasn’t managing, and I wasn’t fine. I was anxious. I was worried that I wouldn’t get everything done. I was relieved when the day was finally over.
When the moment of pause arrived, I realized that I didn’t even feel alive. My mind had been so warped into a habit of listing, that every day felt robotically the same. What’s even worse is that spending time with precious people had become an item on that list. Time with others wasn’t a joy anymore; it was an item.
This morning, when I surrendered the list and sat at His feet, He drew me to Luke 10: “Mary and Martha”. Oh boy. This one hit me like a freight train:
“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things, but Mary has chosen what is good…”
I had turned into the woman who felt so overwhelmed by service and so angry that she wasn’t getting the help she needed. Her anxiety and worries drove her to feel a “righteous anger” towards her “lazy” sister and a frustration with Christ for not affirming her works of service.
Jesus knew better. He knew Martha’s heart. Was she serving Him because she loved Him? Or had she simply reduced Him to an object on her list?
Mary had chosen what was good. What was good? She stopped. She listened. She learned. She wasn’t pressured to finish tasks. She didn’t help her sister because at the end of the day, this was JESUS. This was her Savior. Being with Him was more important than doing for Him. Nothing else could be more wonderful and vital than to sit at His feet.
Sitting with Him does something that making a list can’t do — it creates a holy rhythm that brings us back to life.
There is a significant difference between rhythm and checklist. Rhythm isn’t monotonous. It changes with the season, and it is pleasing to the ear of the Lord. As He sings over us (Zephaniah 3:17), our rhythms compliment His voice and our movements match His. Our rhythm is a result of surrender. Our checklists are created out of a need to control. Our checklists are a product of fear– fear of letting go and trusting that He who has done a great work in us will see it to completion.
Life won’t stop or slow down. We are a busy creation, there’s no arguing that. Before you start your list, remember to choose what is good. Remember to sit at His feet; Learn from the One who knows you best. He came to give you life to the fullest, so live not according to your list, but according to the freedom and identity you have in Christ. We are human beings, not human doings. So let’s be with Him and feel alive again.