Digging

I prayed a pretty dangerous prayer recently, y’all.  I prayed it compulsively, and I hardly recognized the serious nature of it.  The last part went a little something like this:

“Father, I’m not curious enough.  Help me to start asking more questions.”

You see, I knew that the majority of my life had existed in the safety of accepting things I never bothered to question. By nature, I am a lover of harmony.  I completely avoid anything that threatens my peace of mind, and because of this, I have accepted the non-answers to so many honest and hard questions about life and faith.  I came to the conclusion that it’s okay to not know, so there’s no sense in exhausting myself for an answer.

This request for curiosity, therefore, came out of a desire to grow spiritually.  Accepting everything because I didn’t want to tackle hard questions does not equip a spiritual warrior well, and I was highly aware of that.

As questions simmered in my brain, my cocksure spirit was at a sudden standstill.  I started to panic as one question opened up the floodgate to a thousand, and I couldn’t control them.  Intrusive and offensive questions started breaching the secure wall I had built around my faith.  Questions I had never even considered asking were haunting my head daily.

Where is God?  What if everything I’ve ever thought was wrong?  What if God isn’t who He says He is?  How can He seriously love me?  What is truth? How can we know truth if there are so many interpretations of His Word? What if someone I love dies…will I still love Him?

So there I was, living in the tangled mess of curiosity unleashed.

Curiosity wasn’t what I thought it was going to be—it required me to loosen my grip on familiar, traditional thought patterns.  Releasing my passivity, loosening my hold of the comfortable, and asking gritty questions sounded like a total surrender of my mind, and that was terrifying.

So I freaked out when I thought about the total surrender this would require of me; to be honest, I ran away.  Instead of embracing the surrender like a friend, I retreated from it into spiritual lethargy.  That’s my coping method. When the challenges present me no easy solution, I stick my fingers in my ears (metaphorically speaking) and tune out.  Not proud to admit that about myself.  However, thanks to saintly friends and the Holy Spirit, I was set into motion not long after the cowardly retreat.  Praise Him for that.

After coming out of my lethargic stupor, you know what I realized? It’s hilarious actually.

I asked all the questions without really looking for answers.

LOL. WHAT’S EVEN THE POINT OF ASKING?

Exactly.  I learned that the pain of questioning could have been alleviated had I only sought the Word, friends, THE HOLY FREAKING SPIRIT, or other reliable sources for answers.  Questioning without seeking an answer is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.  Terrifying and deadly.  To be fair, we may not get the answers in our time frame, or even in this lifetime, but the power is in the seeking.

Moral of the story? (Thank God she’s finally coming to it)

To lay down any of our own conclusions (or lack thereof) and allow the Spirit to work through the wonderment is a deep challenge for any of us.  It’s so easy to not wonder, you know? Wondering is like digging a well.  You have to break up the earth of your being, root out the lies and stubborn assumptions that have lingered in your mind, and perhaps endure the pain that questioning begins to draw out of your soul.  Once you dig that well though, there is LIVING WATER ready to spring up.

It’s worth the toil, friends.  I believe that fully. If we dig deep, it will hurt our pride and certainties, but truth is buried there.  Ask the hard questions when He calls you to them. I’m still learning how to ask and seek, but I’m realizing that the more questions I ask, the closer I cling to Him for answers, and that’s the most beautiful thing that can come from all of it.  He wants us to be with Him, to trust Him, and to desire truth from His lips.  Curiosity may kill a cat, but it breathes life into our spirits, strengthens our walk, and inches us closer to knowing Him!